I’d like to thank you for “not” being there for me my whole life. I did and still have a father that is always there for me. Even though he felt that not being able to give me things of material value he was inadequate, he is so wrong. when my father gave me something, it was always something that he knew I wanted. I remember my first stereo he got me. I was a young teenager and I greeted him outside. My father popped the trunk and my eyes lit up. He gave me the gift of music.
My grandmother, who also lend a hand in raising me was just amazing. I thank my grandma who is watching me from heaven who made me the person that I am. She instilled manners and over the course of several years caretaking for her, she gave me the sweetness that I carry around with me. I am a very loving person. In particular I tend to love elderly people a little bit more as they tend to be forgotten.
Now as for you, mother. I forgive you and understand you didn’t want me. It wasn’t bad at all as a child because I was always loved and I knew it. I had an aunt who was practically my mother. As I got older, right around sweet 16 is when not having a mother impacted me. I remember crying and saying “why don’t I have a mother” my strong feelings prompted me to talk to my dad about this.
Dad always stated he would never give me his opinion on you that he wanted me to form my own opinions. I don’t remember if I contacted you at 16, but I did contact you when I was 17. This is actually my daughter’s age now. It was my senior year of high school. Felt so good just talking to you.
Soon it got to be close to graduation. 20 years ago this month! I remember you were so happy for and you teeling me that you were going to send me a watch as a a special graduation gift. I went to the mailbox everyday waiting. Days turned into weeks and soon a month or so went by. You also told me you were going to send me a plane ticket to come and see you. Dad told me I could, but I had to wait till I graduated. That time finally came.
Still no watch, still no plane ticket. I called you only to get your excuses. It took me awhile to pick up that this is your nature. I finally had enough and told dad that I was pretty upset about this. Dad told me “Why don’t you call her and ask her about it?” Well I did. This time a matter of fact. I recall telling you “If you don’t have any intentions of sending me a plane ticket to meet you then tell me now” Funny thing is shortly there after a plane ticket arrives.
The day came and I flew out from Florida to Oregon to meet my mother. I can still feel the pain and butterflies in my stomach. I actually got sick on the plane because I was so nervous, but excited about meeting my mother. The plane landed and I walked through the tunnel and there you were on the other side. There was no spark in meeting you which is quite odd for me. I’m the type of person that can have a conversation with a stranger at a check out line.
I respect the profession you’re in and how dedicated that you are to your job. I was deeply insulted that you couldn’t take any time off for me though. I thought your 2 other children were great, but I didn’t travel to meet my mother to be expected to babysit. Every time you made plans with me, something always came up.
Even still I don’t hold anything against you. I tried. I was so hurt when you changed my ticket for me to go back earlier. Thanks so much for accusing me of stealing your typewriter too! Every daughter loves to be accused of something that she didn’t do. I find this quite immature of you, but over the years, I’ve realized just what kind of person you are.
Well a few years have gone by now. I’m roughly 22, married and with my first child. I get a letter from you. Honestly, I did read it word for word and it meant nothing to me. When I read that you wanted to meet your grand-daughter, I thought no way in hell. We lost contact yet again.
About 2-3 years ago my dad got a call at his job with a message and number to call you. Dad called me and gave me the information and I called you right away. I wasn’t even sure if you knew you had a grandson either. Well your grandson is 13 years old now. I am so very proud of both my children. We took a few weeks and talked quite a bit. Both of us taking time to pick up the phone and dial. This was good. I thought just maybe a new leaf had turned over.
I allowed you the opportunity to speak to my kids, because after all you are their grandmother. It was mostly my daughter who was intrestedin speaking to her grandmother. I did tell them that if you’re not comfortable saying “I love you” then don’t. All went well. You told my lil girl that you were going to send her a special box.
For the first time ever (after the plane ticket that I confronted you about) you DID follow through with a promise. You sent a couple books that my daughter loves and a beautiful necklace. It’s not the material things, it’s the fact that you actually did follow through this tie.
We continued to talk, but to be honest I got tired of your bullshit and empty promises. The final straw was a couple years ago when I had the strangest feeling that something wasn’t right regarding my grandfather. I was on the phone with my father actually. Dad told me then call your grandfather. I have a few fond memories of my grandpa, but after his second wife died he became deeply depressed and an alcoholic. Still my grandfather when all is said and done. I call up and holy hell, YOU pick up the phone. Wow, this is odd as you live in Oregon and he’s completely on the East Coast. After getting the words out of my mouth, you reply with “Your grandpa died and I’m here making arrangements” I will never forgive you for not having the decency to call me or notfiy any of my family to inform us of what had happened.
I never would have known if not for this feeling that over came me. This pretty much sealed the deal for me.
Now here’s the part that I mean with the most sincerity humanly possible. Thank you mother for not raising me. Thank you for not being there for me. Because of you, I have become the person and most importantly the mother that I am. My children are my world. I am the complete opposite of you and that alone makes me the mother of the year. I am not perfect by any means. Don’t ever question my motherhood though. Life is not always easy raising children, it’s not supposed to be. You have taught me to be a fighter and to never quit like you did after you conceived me.
I had a rough spell with my daughter. This is in the past and because of it we have the relationship today that will never be broken. I am close to my son as well. Again, I am sure the road to come will have it’s difficulty, but I will handle it. My son still let’s me hang out with him. We play baseball out in public together. How cool is that? I love it. He’s a confident, handsome, growing, gentleman in the making and very sweet and loving.
I appreciate Mothers Day, but because of inner hurt my whole life (even as an adult) I usually cry every time. Not today though. Not anymore from this day on. Every day is mothers day to me when I am able to see the love in my children’s eyes and their precious smiles on their beautiful faces.
In closing, I want you to know that you’ll always be my mother, but you’ll never be my mom.